We’re Still Holding On

We got past it again.

Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing. Growing up, I would never have imagined I would find someone that loves me as much as he does. I still question it sometimes. I never saw myself being in a relationship so meaningful and so comfortable that the littlest things made my heart feel like it’d explode. Up until two years ago I thought that relationships were over-rated and well just plain silly. I never understood why some of my girlfriends could jump from one relationship to another; why did they love being in them so? Sure, I had my fair share of crushes and silly flings but nothing I could ever call real.

Until I met him.

He came into my life in an instant. We rarely talked in the beginning and suddenly it became a full-blown summer love one warm and sunny July day. Amazingly… summer became fall, fall turned into winter, and not too long after another spring and summer had just passed. We’re still holding on. People ask me how we do it. Friends ask me how I manage to be so patient and so strong. To be honest… I’ve had my darkest moments in this relationship, but somehow his persistence and his light always pulls me out of the black hole I’ve created for myself.

I am guilty of fighting him though.

I can’t say I am the most optimistic person in the world. Maybe its the political side in me… the realist in me. I like to think the worse of every situation and let it run my life. I fought this relationship in the beginning when the emotions were just blooming… and I find myself fighting it now when I’m lonely and I miss him. I guess I am still adjusting to these new feelings. Yes, after almost 2 years its still all new to me. I feel like a babe just entering the world at times. Confused and disorientated by the bright lights. The new sensations. The new sounds and the new experiences.

Its all a rollercoaster ride.

A relationship is built on trust and communication. At least that’s what the magazine advice columns usually say. I know it does and anyone who knows my intimate story will assure this. Relationships without trust and communication will fall apart. Mine would have crumbled and fallen faster than anyone’s.

A long-distance relationship is constant communication.

We talk about the future all the time. What does it have in store for us? Will we be together for a long time? Will we be together soon? I certainly hope so… sometimes you can’t tell by my actions that I feel that way though. I tend to push good things away; its like a defense mechanism to me.. when things get too good and I get scared of it possibly ending. I want that control back and make the best situations into the worse. And he’s still there with me. The light and voice of reason in my cluttered darkened mind.

“It’ll be okay. I just want to love you.”

No one can ever say being in a relationship is easy. No one can ever tell me that being in a long-distance relationship gets easier. In fact, it gets harder and harder as time goes by and the distance seems to grow farther. Because as I continue to love him and my feelings continue to grow everyday. It gets harder to be away from him. Its so much harder to say goodbye on our visits. Its so much harder to step away from the perfect little world we created just for us.

So how do you continue?

Because of him. Because he’s worth the fight and struggle. Being with him and being apart is painful at times… but what is my other option? Not being with him and ending what we have will close a chapter in my life I’m not ready to let go of… not now, and maybe I never will be ready. I’ve gotten myself involved in something that people can call a paradox. I’m in a relationship that is as magical as it is tragical. Do I regret knowing him? No. Do I regret the many tears I’ve shed for him? Never. Do I regret loving him? I would do it all over again if given the choice.

Is he worth it?

Yeah… this silly little girl who once thought boys were icky has fallen head-over-heels for the most amazing man. I’ll never be able to let go.

So to those who are lucky enough to be with the person they adore every single day. Don’t take anything for granted. A simple touch on the cheek. A warm hug. The way they hold you at night… savor it and cherish it. There are people in this world that would die to be in your shoes.

I would… cause I miss his presence everyday I’m alone.

je t’aime jp. em yêu anh

…and it works for us

Yes I know I’ve been MIA lately. I’ve been busy being in a relationship again and whole-heartedly loving it. The past two weeks have been amazing.

Josh came down June 24th at 11:10pm and Mish and I were there to pick him up. This boy has a strange love for Whitespot/Triple O’s burgers so we had some spare time before getting him and we grabbed some burgers for him to snack on after his flight. I think its going to be a tradition from now on that I pick up a burger for him before coming to pick him up.

Wednesday, June 25: We went to fulfill Joshua’s love for Asian red bean pastries and just spent time together at home enjoying the nice weather.

Thurs, June 26: We went to Costco to get groceries and attack all the sampling ladies for free food. Key items from this Costco trip was: a box of bounty bars, a box of fruit gummies, white roses for Jane, and cheap movie tickets for 2. After that we went into Vancouver to try and find all the new burger places we wanted to try… it was a complete failure though. Out of 3 places, 1 was closed for renovations, 1 couldn’t even be found, and the last one wasn’t anything special. At least I got to spend 30min with Joyce before her class at UBC. We went to visit Josh’s aunt Jane after that. Roses from us and a lovely picture frame from his mom. We didn’t stay too long cause Jane and Kav were down with a stomach virus.

Fri, June 27: Mishy had friend over today for some sort of year end party. After getting back from the bank we had some food and then went to watch the late movie. We had a tough time choosing between Kungfu Panda, Ironman, and Indiana Jones. So we pulled ‘names out of a hat’ and went to see KungFu Panda. We spent 30min in the concession line because of the girl that was working it, I almost felt bad for her. We missed the first 5 min of the movie but it was totally worth seeing. KUNGFU PANDA WAS AMAZING! To those who know Wushu, it was awesome when they referred to certain moves and things.

Sat, June 28: We went to the Summer Nightmarket with Mishy. It was alright. There was less stands there this year than last. Wasn’t much to buy, I got a crystal case for my cell, and Mish got socks. We spent most of our money on food. It was a nice way to waste time that day though.

Sun, June 29: We went for fake “hotpot” with Kim. Food was good, but it wasn’t actually hotpot where you cook your own food in boiling broth. It was food served in an actual hot pot. After that we wandered Metro, bought some fobby movies, and then went to see Wanted. It was a good movie too. Super violent, but well staged violence. I recommend seeing it.

Mon, June 30: We didn’t do much today, at least I can’t remember much. Played Silent Hill 3 and watched Forbidden Kingdom with family. It was a good movie, glad we didn’t pay full price for it at the movie theaters though.

Tues, July 1: Canada Day! We just lazed around most of the day. Went for Starbucks, got pizza to take home, and Starbucks again! My car also got a flat tire coming out of the Starbucks plaza. While Josh was trying to change the tire I almost killed him when pulling out the donut tire from the trunk; it made the car rock forward and bent the jack. We had to wait for dad to come help fix it. Went to parent’s friends house later that night to watch fireworks… kind of disappointing. I was expecting their house to be a lot closer from what mom said, but it was still pretty far and the fireworks were tiny.

Weds, July 2: Bea Day. Today was our 1 year anniversary. Strange how an entire year goes by so fast eh? We woke up earlier than most days. Went to get my tire fixed then went for IHOP breakfast/lunch. After that we went to get material for our Scrapbook project; instead of getting each other presents I wanted to do something together and we decided to make a scrapbook that represented our year together (ITS FANTASTIC!). We spent several hours working on that then around dinner time went for our picnic at Eagle Ridge Park; a little secluded park by my house that we discovered together last summer. It was hot and sunny and we had a great time together. After that we drove to Lafarge Lake and walked around that and then went for bubble tea. A full day of adventures to represent a full year of memories. I love you.

Thurs, July 3:Departure day. The last day of our trips is always the hardest for me. I usually spend most of the day trying to enjoy every last minute and trying my best not to cry. Its hard work lol, and I end up bawling my eyes out at some point, which I obviously did today. We finished off our silent hill game today, then had some dinner with my family. Then showered, packed, and spent some quality one-on-one time together…. then we said our goodbyes again.

Now…? We just start our countdown all over again for the next time we see each other. Its been a wonderful year. As much as I miss him all the time, I never regret how things turned out. Hes a large part of my life now and I’ve fallen in love. Hes worth the strain of a long-distance relationship; worth ever single hardship.

“cause I’ve got big love for you, big love for you…”

I’m good, I’m going to be alright…

All they see are the happy smiles, soft laughter, and warm eyes. In everyone there is that lonely soul that’s crying out for the attention it seeks. The want and the wanton need to be understood, to feel compassion, to be loved unconditionally. Yet, no one knows more than the mirage that is painted.

When friends and family come around
and ask me all I say is
I’m good I’m good
I’m going to be alright

When will it end…? Where will it begin. This pathless wandering… Exhaustion settles in. Eyes are heavy with regret and mourning for better yesterdays. Where does our tomorrows lead…?

Deep in side I know I can’t take any more
It’s killing me slowly
Physically mentally
There’s nothing left in me.

No pity. This mirage will stay standing. Painters, poets, artists, sculptors, song birds… please continue this image of Nirvana.

But I don’t want people to feel sorry for me
And that’s why I say
I’m good I’m good

Just continue to pretend. No one knows. No one needs to care. Say its ok.

Said I’m good I’m good
I’m going to be alright
I’m good I’m good
I’ll be alright
I’m good baby
I’ll be alright

The walls are still closing in. The voices are quiet now. Where will this take us. Hold our hands….please, someone help us.

Some times I can’t even talk
I can’t walk
City isn’t long
Somebody help me
Oh say somebody help me

… and they continue their painting of us. No one needs to know that we are still alone.

I don’t want people to feel sorry for me
That’s why I say
I’m good I’m good
I’m going to be alright

Its growing colder everyday. It gets darker every night. The sun hides more of its warmth every morning. This mirage is cracking. The power is disappearing. The painters are dying. Where is the light again…?

My friends and family that’s all I tells them but
Deep inside I’m dying baby
Oh…no…no…no

This darkness grows colder. This hole grows more endless each day. These winding paths have stopped. The paint is running dry. Singing laughter has gone silent. Warm eyes now cold with remorse. It will be ok.

I’m good I’m good
I’ll be alright
Said I’m good I’m good
I’m going to be alright…

Its empty now.

Because of Them…

10 random statements about 10 different people. you can try to guess who it is but I’ll never tell you.

#1. You were so withdrawn from my life; at times, you still are. I resented you when I was young and naive. I love you for giving me everything.

#2. I remember only liking you out of all of them when we first met. I still only like you out of the majority of them.

#3. You were my other half. You seem so distant now. I don’t know where to go from here.

#4. At my darkest moment, you listened to me when my closest friends seemed so far away.

#5. I loved you, then resented you for what you did to us. I still worry for you. I think its better now.

#6. You annoyed me when we were younger. You still annoy me now. I would be lost without you.

#7. “I love you” doesn’t nearly describe it all. You’ve given me those precious moments. My first everything.

#8. I thought I loved you a long time ago. You still make me smile to this day.

#9. As much as I’m your emotional punching bag. I understand. I forgive you. I love you forever.

#10. You do a lot of thoughtless things, yet I’m still here for you. I still worry for you. I still care.

…life until now.

My plan to blog every couple days has seriously failed miserable. Nothing I regret though. Since the last time I’ve written I’ve been busy living life and going on adventures with my one and only.

Beginning of April I was experiencing the epic ending of life as a university student. Two long weeks of procrastinating, studying, procrastinating, eating, cramming, freaking out, cramming, and writing exams; all in random orders. Honestly, I’ve been through the process three-plus times now and I still haven’t broken the habit of cramming. Its one of those ingrained personality traits I think. I can pull decent grades out of my ass last minute, but I can never study properly to get awesome grades; guess I’m just a lazy person.

Four long exams and half of April later… I was on the next plane to Hamilton Ontario to spend two well deserved (to me at least) weeks with the boyfriend and experience his life. Too bad my trip didn’t start out as flawless as I planned. I arrived at the Vancouver International Airport (YVR) with 5 minutes to spare before the cut-off time. Its too bad YVR uses two different time clocks; one for the self-checkin stations (that the rest of the world uses) and one that the main airport uses (5min ahead of the world). I had to stand in a 8 people line-up to wait for an agent to help which there was only one of. 15min later another agent comes and I was at the head of the line, finally. Our conversation went a little like this:

me: “the check-in booths wouldn’t let me check in and now I’m late for my flight”
she-bitch agent: “well you are late, the next flight will cost you $150 to rebook”
me: “hmm excuse me? I wasn’t late I arrived here before the cut-off time your other agent that sent me to this line even saw that. Its not my fault your airport times aren’t synchronized with the world!”
she-bitch agent: “well arriving 5 min early is cutting it really close, you should have come earlier and seen an agent”
me: “Policy says I was on time. Your times are fucked up and you have NO staff working. How the hell is this any of my fault? I’m not paying that ridiculous price and I demand getting another flight ASAP.”
she-bitch agent: “Fine, well the next flight is overbooked (how the fuck does that happen?) so you’ll have to wait another 3 hours for the next one…. free of charge I suppose”
me: “thanks…” bitch

I still need to write a complaint letter/email to AirCanada and YVR. Cause your airport is seriously fucked up if the times your passenger has and the time the airport runs on is completely different. Idiots… honestly.

I got to Toronto at 1130ish. Joshua was there super early to pick me up and we were 2 min over an hour so had to pay 11 bucks for parking; ew. Toronto airport is really expensive. Parking cost more and you have to PAY for the luggage cart things. Only Toronto Pearson International Airport have I witnessed that and I’ve been to a couple large airports in my life. Oh well, I’m cheap… for certain things. The movie we were planning to see with Josh’s friends got canceled due to my stupid run-in with incompetent airport agents so we just went home.

The two weeks I spent there was amazingly relaxing to a point it was lazy and boring sometimes. I got to experience my first wushu demonstration, went out for foods a lot, hung out with Joshua’s friends while he was at work, went to two fancy ass bubbletea places in Toronto, did some shopping, but most of the time just spent quality time with the boyfriend and quote “being in a relationship.” Our stay at Niagara Falls was amazing. Josh’s sifu got us a hotel room at the Fallsview Hotel/Casino ($600/night). The view was amazing, it overlooked the building’s architecture and faced the Canadian falls. I won 20 bucks playing slots, and Josh lost 10 bucks playing some sort of poker machine game. We visited the Niagara Outlet Mall and Josh went on a spending spree. New Nike Shox, reebok spring jacket, and a hat. I got some body shop things, and presents for mom and dad.

Time flies when you’re having fun…

Two weeks wasn’t long enough. I had to go home on May 5th. In the beginning of our relationship I always thought that ‘good-byes’ would get easier. It never got easier… just harder. Josh always tries to be optimistic when I’m being a baby “no good-byes, only see-you laters.” He’s a sweet boy =) So at the airport we had some shitty made Starbucks, which Josh later on spilled his frap all over the floor splashing brown liquid all over my legs and his new WHITE shox. Saying our good-byes at the security gates was funny. The lady scanning my bags in her fobby european accent kept going “be happy… just be happy.” A random stranger made it easier to leave. Strange how life throws you curve-balls eh?

Its my first week back home. Josh and I have gotten into the habit of calling wherever the other person is ‘home.’ Its sappy and emotional but I like it. This week has flown by with preparing for school, running errands, working lots, and yesterday surprising mom with her mother’s day present (which she loved). A week ago today I was on a plane back to BC. Tomorrow another day of school. Its just a continual cycle of life. I’ll fall into a routine really soon, like I always do.

I was looking for job posting on craigslist yesterday. Just roaming around to see what was out there and what the community had to offer. Depending on how my transfer to the new store works out I might look for a new job if the new store and manager isn’t up to my expectations. I want a more professional type job in a different environment. Something in the office, receptionist or bank teller positions preferably. It’ll give me new experiences and responsibilities in a different field of work. Hopefully keep me distracted for a longer period of time. I’ll see how it goes.

This is my life… hi again.

“miss you love.”

My Favorite CSI Pastime Is America’s Reality

Sundays are usually good TV watching days for me. I don’t watch much TV, ask anyone… I’m usually couped up in my room and on my laptop ranging; probably chit-chattering on msn, youtubing, facebooking, and if I have some time left in my nights… homework. So when I do get my ass out of my leather computer chair, I place it right back down on my leather peach couch downstairs in front of my big screen TV. Trust me its a lot of hard work, but don’t worry I’m a tough little bugger. Anyways, so last Sunday there was a CSI marathon on Spike TV. I was so excited because CSI is like my top most favorite show in the world! I can pretty much stomach anything that show throws at me while eating a plate of fleshy salmon sashimi. I remember one of the episodes quite clearly because it was a newer one and both my sister and I were ecstatic for a new one!

The episode starts out with the CSI crew finding the beaten, bloody, and obviously dead body of a male security guard in an underground parking lot. Later on they find the battered body, but alive battered body of a young female girl heading back from the strip (CSI Las Vegas!). The show transitions onto a group of black hooded individuals all stomping and beating on a middle age tourist man in an ally way. So the show goes on to explain how these 5-10 individuals have been meeting up and beating fanny-slapping random tourist to Las Vegas. Lets fast forward: these individuals are revealed as teenagers all group beating random people just for the fun of it. Just a party, just good “old-fashion” fun times.

Hold on… rewind that: fun?

I remember sitting there in my comfy leather couch and really enjoying myself, and really enjoying this episode because 1) it was new, 2) the intensity was unreal, and 3) the whole concept of it was so far-fetched and so out there that I knew it just couldn’t be real. People knew better than hurting innocent bystanders for fun…right? I’ve always been game for watching a fair fight. Like one-on-one, mono-on-mono, man-to-man, so forth and etc,  but never group-on-one. That’s just plain pathetic, and to top it off completely wrong. Its one thing to fight each other for sport like boxing, sparring, or even UFC. Its another to attack a single person for the pleasure of being able to just hurt and damage. So obviously, this episode wasn’t very realistic to me. Its probably not very realistic to you too. Right…?

Wrong Again!

Humanity never ceases to amaze… and disturb me. I was on youtube today watching a couple news stories and I came across a rather disturbing title: 8 Teens Charged With Beating 16 y/o Girl so with a title like that I had to check it out. Honestly, I really was disgusted and mortified to see what was going on in this story… what was going on in society. These kids… all around my little sister’s age, premeditated a group beating of a girl that completely had no clue what was going on. She thought she was invited over to a friends house and steps through the doors to probably the most horrendous day of her young life.  Authorities are still trying to decide if these girls will be charged as adults. Hell yes they should be charged as adults! They need to be made examples of that violence is not okay.

Of course… I do forget that this is the American justice system we’re discussing. The states have much “higher” priorities that they must attend to…I suppose. Raging war…banning abortion…being religious… ruining their economy… and lets not forget, legalizing guns. The psychological welfare of their younger generation is just a random past-time. Maybe its a little far-fetched but I think that may be the roots of their problems. Violence is so common and so accepted in the states that its undistinguished from other crisis that are occurring in the states. I know that once this story comes out… the parents, the video games, and the violent TV shows and movies will be blamed for influencing the minds of these innocent young children into what they did. What they did was consciously planned and premeditated. Eight-on-One … with two as lookouts. How do you not know logically, right from wrong at this age? Even a child of two knows that hitting = pain. At least I pray to any higher power that might be out there they are aware, and that they care.

These kids are the future adults of tomorrow. They are the people that will be running the country and influencing changes in the government. For better or worse they are tomorrow. This nation needs to start looking at their very own to stop terror. War on terror starts at home, not in Afghanistan, Iraq, or Iran. Its not in some far off place like Mongolia or Korea. Look into the beds of your children and imagine what they will be tomorrow. Future presidents? future doctors? future thieves? or future jail inmates? Change needs to start at the roots of any society. We all have moral obligations as grandparents, parents, future parents, as adults to teach and ensure that senseless violence, bloodshed, and unfortunately death is not on the agenda of our children.

America…Canada…Britain.. any nation that cares. Where is your tomorrow?

“Imagine all the people… living life in peace.”

Religion Destroys Societies

I’m sure everyone by now has heard, seen, or read about the man that is pregnant with a baby in the states. I sure have, and this news which should be a joyous one has exploded into a frenzy of religious preaching and discrimination. There is enough on just the youtube story: First TV Interview: The Pregnant Man Part 1/5, that its suffocating. I’ve always tried to have an open mind about the things people choose and consciously decide to do. It is everyone’s right to do what they wish to. I am in no position to judge, but it drives me up a wall when the religious activists hate on everything that does not follow the wishes of their “lord.” If there was a god… and I’m saying this with a grain of salt. Who the fuck are we to preach to his words? Who the fuck are we to even believe we have any comprehension on his knowledge about what is right and what is wrong.

I read this comment on youtube yesterday that honestly had my blood simmering.

olorunfemi2000 (22 hours ago): This guy? or woman.., is emotionally sick like so many other people. America really needs God. Her mother committed suicide when she was just 12 .i think this is the psycological effect manifesting in many ways. she needs a pastor and a psychiatrist. i wouldnt be suprised if she commits suicide after chilbirth. the two lesbians are just selfish. this is unholy and NOT OF GOD!!!

Obviously, I wasn’t going to let this ignorant moron go on with this hateful religion shit without an input from my own beliefs.

babiione (22 hours ago): That suicide comment was completely unnecessary and uncalled for. America doesn’t need god. They need to be educated and have open hearts and open minds. “God” has done nothing for society but create a large group of hateful judgmental people. Even if there was a god, who the hell are you to go about preaching his words? Do yourself a favor and stop spreading so much hate. Theres enough in this world to ruin humanity.

I’ll forever stand by what I say. Everyone has a right to believe in a faith. Everyone has a right to believe in whatever god, deity, person, or holy spirit that they choose to. Everyone does not have the right to push and enforce their beliefs on any other individual. No one is more right than any other. Religion… with their ignorant followers have done nothing to find redemption and forgiveness. It always has been about the hate hate hate… and I’m sick of it. A religion based on a book that contradicts itself in every second page is not something I wish to base my life on. A religion based on a book believed to have been written from the very words of god, yet has multiple versions is not an acceptable excuse for judgment.

valeriesweety (39 minutes ago): are you seek?? that´s before has written my boyfriend.but I think also it´s bull shit….. she wants to have a baby…it´s only female feeling about having children….how a man can feel this??? the man can´t feel it,so it means God created her as a woman and gave her the same feelings…she is crazy bitch…that´s it…..why did she turn to a man and now wants to have children???? and you are also seek…..how can you support something like this???

The comment above I found more humorous than anything. If you are going to try and make an argument for your cause, please… do yourself and me a favor and make sure your spelling and grammar is correct. Nothing ruins a debate worse than a poorly written sentence that makes absolutely no sense. Now, I’m not trying to point out how being ignorant can borderline being stupid but please refer back to valeriesweety. Apparently “god” created very… how to be nice… confused human beings.

Don’t preach about god if you have no evidence that s/he exist because I don’t want to hear it. Don’t preach to me about how I need redemption and need the lord’s forgiveness when your beliefs have done a very good job on its own by destroying the fabrics of society. Don’t judge my person because I stand for everything you believe is wrong. I might very well turn it around and judge YOU for everything you stand for because I know its wrong.

“are you seek??” … no bitch, I’m just sick of all the shit religion has done to humanity.

My New Vulnerbility…

I suppose its another new hour, another new day, another new year. Reading Joshua’s blogs has got me back into the blogging mood. Its a good way to expose myself I suppose, and yes I did mean to write expose. Blogging in a sense is a vulnerability. Its an outlet of emotions and with every word typed and published to the ‘world’ a thin layer of myself is stripped naked and exposed to the unsuspecting public.

Its humbling really…

To know that you are possibly nothing in a world so large. Its always been a goal of mine. To accomplish a task that will leave my mark on the world. Leave an imprint so large that I made a difference for someone or some people. I want that feeling. To know I’ve accomplished something to be proud of, and something that no one has yet to. Wouldn’t that be nice? and of course a complete ego boost, but humans have always vain creatures. I welcome anyone to argue against that judgment call.

While talking to Josh last night on the phone I was having one of those moments of ‘feeling’ talks. Its strange and uncommon for me to talk about my inner darkest insecurities. I think I was trying to get him to talk to me about his and ending up having it turned around and explode in my face. I’ve never been the type to talk about my fears, my weaknesses; never was I comfortable with saying it out loud. I think telling another soul my problems, or just hearing myself say it confirms its. It makes that insecurity more real and there’s nothing I can do or say that will change it.

Welcome to my big little world.

“I’m a big big girl… in a big big world…”